So not too long ago I asked a friend of mine with the great talent of making me giggle til I pee my pants to write a blog post for me. She did, and its awesome, and she totally knew how to make me love her that much more. So here it is!
When Zombies Attack! By: Katt
Oh, yeah, don't you love to play those mind games when doing a task that leaves your brain feeling a bit slushy, and makes you want to jab in the eye the next person that asks you, "So, how's your day going?" Fuckers.
I am talking about the "What if?" game. What if I won the lottery? (I would quit my job, and tell my boss to eat my ass.) What if I caught my boyfriend cheating? (I would ugly up the chick he was banging, and play hide the car keys with his ass.) What if someone broke into my house? (I would proceed to start swinging with my Shut-Up Stick until my white walls were red.) Yes, I know. Fun games, all. But my favorite mind fuck of all time is "What if the Apocalypse begins, and the whole world is overrun with zombies?"
There are several things an enterprising woman should think about when considering battling hoards of the undead in a Southern Missouri wasteland. Where do you go? What do you do? Who should you have with you? What kind of supplies will you need? All good questions, and so the mind fuck begins.
Let's consider for a moment that you live in, say, Springfield effing Missouri, God help you. Not a great city for culture, or intellectual stimulation, or food, or education, BUT there is one MAJOR advantage to this vortex of bigots and blowhards. We have the largest Bass Pro Shops in the continental U.S.! Oh yeah, just picture it. You have your camping supplies, your dehydrated foods, your sturdy boots, your durable clothes, your generators... Oh, my, look over there! What could possibly be in those endless glass showcases? Why do I hear a choir of angels singing? Holy fuck, those are GUNS!!! Slews of them! Every shape, every caliber. This place is redneck HEAVEN! Hell yes, Bass Pro is the first place you should go! You could fill a U-Haul with everything you could possibly need to survive. Huh. Okay, go to U-Haul first. THEN you can go to Bass Pro.
Okay, you have now managed to stock a freaking moving truck with the contents of Bass Pro. You have everything you need, right? Wrong! You need medical supplies, doofus! You need medical books, and suture kits, and antibiotics, and headache medicine, gauze, surgical tape, an autoclave, antiseptic, and pain medication just in case. "Well hell," you say, "Let's just head to the nearest hospital, and we'll load up like we did at Bass Pro!" Wrong again. Yeah, let's head to the nearest hospital, which is where everyone that was bitten by a zombie at the beginning of the outbreak headed. Let's go traipsing through the maze of hallways and rooms where people have been dying and coming back all zombified and gross. I think not. This is where you need to use your brains. Go to the small clinics that are stationed on the edge of town. Fewer people, and more supplies that are accessible with minimal searching.
Now the question of who to have with you. I know that most of you ladies out there are saying, "Why, my boyfriend/husband." Now for me, my boyfriend would be the natural choice. He is strong, brilliant, can handle firearms, is a whiz at carpentry, and is an outdoors man through and through. (Plus, there is the added bonus that he is hot, and has a vasectomy.) In short, my boyfriend would have my back. But you must look critically at your boyfriend in a situation like this. Men have been feminized and dumbed down to an alarming degree. If you are dating or married to a "Metro-sexual," you may want to reconsider. Here is a test: 1) Can your man change the oil on his car? 2) Have you ever had to kill a spider because your man is too scared? 3) Has your man ever gone hunting? 4) Does your man spend longer fixing his hair than you do?) If you answered "No!" to questions 1 and 3, and/or "Yes!" to questions 2 and 4, I suggest you go immediately to the nearest sporting goods store, find the guy with tattoos that is checking out the deer rifles, and get his number. Do not consider this being unfaithful, rather, consider this a matter of survival. Chances are your wussy boyfriend or husband will get himself killed within the first few days of the end of the world, and you will need a plan B. Oh, and it doesn't hurt anything if he happens to be a hot guy with tattoos. I'm just saying.
